Shakespearian insult program 
Author Message
 Shakespearian insult program


> A friend emailed me a shakespearian insult kit. With it, you choose one
> word from each of three columns, put them together with a 'Thou' on the
> front of it, and you have a fully functional shakespearian insult. I've
> turned it into a small perl program. I have it set to run in my .bashrc
> file so I have the pleasure of a quality insult every time I login.
> Please feel free to use/misuse it however you see fit.

[most of code snipped]

> print "\nThou $word_1 $word_2 $word_3!\n\n";



One of the things about Shakespeare is that he generally wrote
grammatically correct English, which your script is guaranteed not
to do.

Given that $word_1 and $word_2 contain adjectives and that $word_3
is a noun, there should be a comma between words 1 and 2 in your
print statement.

print "\nThou $word_1, $word_2 $word_3!\n\n";



Dave... .. ..
"...but Man created all gods equal."

Fri, 25 Feb 2000 03:00:00 GMT  
 Shakespearian insult program


> > A friend emailed me a shakespearian insult kit. With it, you choose one
>           [most of code snipped]
> > print "\nThou $word_1 $word_2 $word_3!\n\n";
> Eric,

> One of the things about Shakespeare is that he generally wrote
> grammatically correct English, which your script is guaranteed not
> to do.

    Umm, not to pick nits myself -- have you actually seen reprints of
the originals?  Punctuation at that time was more decorative than
functional (that's why there's so much dispute over interpretation.
"The multitudinous seas incarnadine, / making the green one red."  or
is it, "making the green, one red"?)  And Bill *loved* to mix tenses.
"... the flat unraised spirits that hath ...", etc ...
    Nonetheless, point well taken, Good Sir Eric -- and I'll move on to
perlish matters ...

    That simple snippet of code that Eric et alii honed for the shakesperl
program was so handy, I thought I'd do up an old Country Song construction
kit that's been on my drive for quite some time.
    I call it (hey, minnieperl was taken, okay?).  All I
did was swap elements and add a simple cgi tweak.  I'm only posting it cuz
it turned out pretty funny, and I thought you guys might wanna roll yer
own lyrics for it. (Mone me si erro.)

    It's running at:

<A HREF=" http://www.*-*-*.com/ ;>ElvisPerlsley</A>

     Dave Furstenau

----- CUT -----
#  -- a CGI to generate random lyrics for a
#                             customized Country song.  Based on an
#                             anonymous (AFAIK) parody posted widely
#                             for years.

         "at a truck stop","on probation","in a jail cell",
         "in a nightmare","on a camel","down in Georgia",
         "in a treehouse","in a gay bar","in a churchyard");

         "wrestlin' gators","all hunched over","poppin' uppers",
         "sort of pregnant","with her father","stoned on oatmeal",
         "with Merv Griffin","singing opera","doin' sailors",
         "playin' banjo");

         "those training pants","the stolen goods","French perfume",
         "the Mondale pin","the neon sign","that creepy smile",
         "the hearing aid","the boxer shorts","viking suit");

         "wolfin' down some Twinkies","breakin' out with acne",
         "crawlin' through the prairie","smellin' kind of funky",
         "crashin' through the guardrail","chewin' on a hangnail",
         "talkin' in Swahili","drownin' in the quicksand",
         "screamin' like a banshee","biting Richard Simmons");

         "near Poughkeepsie","with her cobra","when she shot me",
         "on her elbows","with Led-Zeppelin","with Miss Piggy",
         "near the off-ramp","in her muu-muu","when our eyes met");

         "that she would be an easy score",
         "she'd bought her dentures in a store",
         "that she would be a crashing bore",
         "I'd never rate her more than '4'",
         "they'd hate her guts in Baltimore",
         "it was a raven, nothing more",
         "I'd hafta reinforce the floor",
         "we really lost the last World War",
         "I'd have to scrape her off the floor",
         "what strong deodorants were for",
         "that she was rotten to the core",
         "that I would upchuck on the floor");

         "I told her shrink","The judge declared","My Pooh Bear said",
         "I shrieked in pain","The painters knew","A Klingon said",
         "My hamster thought","The {*filter*} test showed","Her rabbi said",
         "Her psychic warned");

         "punch her out","live off her","have my rash","stay a dwarf",
         "hate her dog","pick my nose","guzzle gin","salivate",
         "dance a jig");

         "man wasn't meant to fly","that Nixon didn't lie",
         "her basset hound was shy","that Rolaids made her high",
         "she'd have a swiss on rye","she loved my one blue eye",
         "her mother was a guy","she'd leave the FBI",
         "that disco made her cry","she couldn't stand my tie",
         "'Let's order up some pie");

         "freak out","blast off","make it","blackout","bobsled","grovel",
         "get drunk");

         "with Marv Albert","with her dentist","with Ed Asner",
         "with a robot","with no clothes on","at her health club",
         "in her Maytag","with her guru","while in labor",
         "at the hoedown");

         "I never had the chance to say",
         "She told her fat friend Grace to say",
         "I now can kiss my credit cards",
         "I guess I was too smashed to say",
         "I watched her melt away and sobbed",
         "She fell beneath the wheels and cried",
         "She sent a hired thug to say",
         "She spray my truck with paint, it said:",
         "She freaked out on the lawn and screamed",
         "I pushed her off the bridge and waved",
         "But that's the way that pygmies say",
         "She sealed me in the vault and smirked");

srand( time() ^ ($$ + ($$ << 15)) );

# NOTE: This is set up to be called from (and return
#       to) my humor page.  Change accordingly.

print "Content-type: text/html\n";
print "Pragma: no-cache\n\n";
print "<HTML><HEAD><TITLE>Country Song Generator</TITLE></HEAD><BODY>";
print "<CENTER><STRONG><U>When I Met Her ... </U></STRONG><BR>";
print "by Elvis Perlsly<BR><HR><BR>";
print "(Sung to the tune of pretty much any country song you've ever heard.)";
print "</CENTER><BR>";
print "<P>Ooooh ... <BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 I met her $One $Two.<BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 &#160 &#160 I can still recall $Thr she wore.<BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 She was $Fou $Fiv,<BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 &#160 &#160 And I knew $Six.<BR><BR>";
print "Well ... <BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 $Sev I'd $Eig forever.<BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 &#160 &#160 She said to me $Nin.<BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 But who'd have thought she'd $Ten $Ele.<BR>";
print "&#160 &#160 &#160 &#160 $Twe goodbye.<BR>";
print "<BR><HR><BR></CENTER>";
print "<CENTER><A HREF=\"ElvisPerlsley.cgi\">Another verse</A>? or ";
print "<A HREF=\"humor.shtml\">Enough</A>!!</CENTER>";
print "</BODY></HTML>";

Fri, 25 Feb 2000 03:00:00 GMT  
 [ 2 post ] 

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