Witty definition of your programming language 
Author Message
 Witty definition of your programming language

Hello Sailors !

  I'm  doing some research ... well, actually  it's just a whimsy of mine
but I'd really like to know about this aspect of computer folklore.
  I'm  looking  for  short  (two sentences  max.),  witty  (you  know, the
hackerish-type  humor),  clear  definitions  of  your favorite programming
language,  that can be understood by people not knowing about the language
itself  (i.e. they should be in  English, not in your favorite programming
language).

  If  you know one/some, please e-mail them  to me. I'll post a summary
if there's interest.

--

  /         Sami Nieminen                    ---     May you live     ---  
 //              at                          --- in interesting times ---
///      Dept. of Electrical                
  ///        Engineering    
  //     University of Oulu,
  /  I K       Finland



Mon, 05 Aug 1996 17:31:29 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language
| Hello Sailors !
|
|   I'm  doing some research ... well, actually  it's just a whimsy of mine
| but I'd really like to know about this aspect of computer folklore.
|   I'm  looking  for  short  (two sentences  max.),  witty  (you  know, the
| hackerish-type  humor),  clear  definitions  of  your favorite programming
                                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
| language,  that can be understood by people not knowing about the language
| itself  (i.e. they should be in  English, not in your favorite programming
| language).
If you want hackerish humour, you should ask for definitions of the _other_
languages, not one's favourite one :-)
I added a relevant newsgroup to the Followup line...
--

(){for(;e<1863;putchar(_[++e>923&&e<952?60-m:u]))for(u=s=f=0;(m=e%81)
<80&&g*s+f*f<6&&++u<20;s=g){g=s*s-f*f-2+.035*m;f=2*s*f+e/81*.09-1;}}


Mon, 05 Aug 1996 19:22:41 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language
There was an article many years ago that compared programming
languages to motor cars -- I have forgotten the referemce.

Dr Ken Thomas
Department of Electronics and Computer Science
University of Southampton
Southampton
S09 5NH
United Kingdom



Mon, 05 Aug 1996 20:57:56 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language

It was said, I believe by Alan Perlis(?), that 'fortran is not a
flower, but a weed. It is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows
in every computer.'

                     Michael Metcalf



Mon, 05 Aug 1996 22:32:55 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language

Quote:

>  I'm  looking  for  short  (two sentences  max.),  witty  (you  know, the
>hackerish-type  humor),  clear  definitions  of  your favorite programming
>language

   Lisp has such a large set of functions and options that it's
often said, ``In Lisp, fully define your problem, then find the
existing function that does it!''
--
Hovig Heghinian                             | `To associate the word
Department of Computer Science              |  fuzzy with the word
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign  |  logic is shocking.'



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 01:23:18 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language
: There was an article many years ago that compared programming
: languages to motor cars -- I have forgotten the referemce.

  Sami, there's also one that compares how each language would solve the
  problem of shooting yourself in the foot.  I find at least parts of
  it to be rather amusing.  I only have it on paper, so if you send me
  a fax number or street address I'll send you a copy.

     .....................................................................

     .               Software Services & Technology (SST)                .
     .....................................................................
     .   o   \ o /  _ o        __|    \ /     |__        o _  \ o /   o  .
     .  /|\    |     /\   __\o   \o    |    o/    o/__   /\     |    /|\ .
     .  / \   / \   | \  /) |    ( \  /o\  / )    |  (\  / |   / \   / \ .
     .....................................................................
     .  Vs guvf vf cbfgrq gb n aba-qvfphffvba tebhc gura lbh nyy unir zl .
     .                         fvaprerfg ncbybtl.                        .
     .....................................................................



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 01:53:00 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language
:Hello Sailors !

Hi Landlubbers!

:hackerish-type  humor),  clear  definitions  of  your favorite programming
:language,  that can be understood by people not knowing about the language

Real programmers don't need a favorite programming language.  They
use COPY CON MYPROG.COM

   All the best, Timo

..................................................................
Prof. Timo Salmi      Co-moderator of comp.archives.msdos.announce
Moderating at garbo.uwasa.fi anonymous FTP  archives  128.214.87.1
Faculty of Accounting & Industrial Management; University of Vaasa



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 02:46:53 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language

 Paul> Nntp-Posting-Host: hpfcpld.fc.hp.com
 Paul> Followup-To: alt.flame,comp.lang.Pascal,comp.lang.c,comp.lang.c++,comp.lang.fortran,comp.lang.lisp,comp.lang.ada,comp.lang.basic.misc


 Ken> : There was an article many years ago that compared programming
 Ken> : languages to motor cars -- I have forgotten the referemce.

 Paul>   Sami, there's also one that compares how each language would solve the
 Paul>   problem of shooting yourself in the foot.  I find at least parts of
 Paul>   it to be rather amusing.  I only have it on paper, so if you send me
 Paul>   a fax number or street address I'll send you a copy.

Here it is.



Newsgroups: comp.lang.ada
Subject: Mother of all languages, which now?
Date: 27 May 1993 16:45:50 GMT
Organization: Regionales Rechenzentrum Uni Stuttgart
Distribution: world
NNTP-Posting-Host: servus12.rus.uni-stuttgart.de

The following text for a little recreation.
Sorry to not found the author's name,
it was simply no more traceable. Perhaps sombody knows?

--snip---------------------------------------------------snip--   :-)

Shooting Yourself in the Foot
-----------------------------

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to
have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using.  This guide
is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves
in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical assistance is
impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are
just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of
bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling
ability.

Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in
this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER. on  HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE.  THEN return HANDGUN
to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ....

BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol.  On big systems,
continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.

APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out
how to do it fewer characters.

Pascal:  The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL:  If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.  If you fail,
shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid:  You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.

HyperTalk:  Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of
you.  Answer the result.

Motif:  You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun.  When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.

Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o  % rm *.o  rm:.o: No such
file or directory % ls %

Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can
too.

Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon
as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so
much fun doing it that you won't care.

Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.  The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to
explain.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document
explaining how you want it to be shot.  Three years later, your foot
comes back deep-fried.

Ada: After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently
load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot.
When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong
type.

Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you
must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

--
===================================================================
                              |

                              |    
===================================================================



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 02:53:56 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language

Quote:

>There was an article many years ago that compared programming
>languages to motor cars -- I have forgotten the referemce.

This might help someone track it down:

It was apparently posted to rec.humor (and from there crossposted to
comp.lang.c++) in January 1987, claiming to be an article from SIGPLAN
Notices.  The following title and author information was supplied, but
no specific reference to the issue of SIGPLAN Notices:

               Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
                   Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
         Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
                   Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1

I'm not posting the contents of the article 1) to save bandwidth and
2) if it was published in SIGPLAN Notices, ACM holds the copyright,
not I.
                - Patrick A. O'Donnell



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 03:03:20 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language

Quote:

>Hello Sailors !

APL... a write-only programming language
--



Champaign, Illinois                217/356-2684



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 06:01:37 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language
Hello Sailors !

   Ahem, its seems that the kind of list I asked was already made (not too
surprising, in fact). It's that "shooting yourself in the foot/how to
determine the programming language you're using" -list. It's already
appeared in this thread and been emailed to me several times, so please
don't post it anymore.  

I'd still be eager to accept any other jokes you might have on the subject,
so keep mailing them to me (please don't continue in this thread,
this subject is a big waste of bandwith, after all).  I'll post the summary
when I've received enough responses.

--

  /         Sami Nieminen                    ---     May you live     ---  
 //              at                          --- in interesting times ---
///      Dept. of Electrical                
  ///        Engineering    
  //     University of Oulu,
  /  I K       Finland



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 16:36:52 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language

Quote:
> Paul>   Sami, there's also one that compares how each language would solve the
> Paul>   problem of shooting yourself in the foot.  I find at least parts of
> Paul>   it to be rather amusing.  I only have it on paper, so if you send me
> Paul>   a fax number or street address I'll send you a copy.

>Here it is.

Great thing,

but i disagree with the Lisp version of shooting myself in the foot

I've searched in the CLtL2 index and found :

(shoot foot :whom me)

  Nummi


 Let's Lisp ...



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 20:29:48 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language
....

Quote:
>  I'm  looking  for  short  (two sentences  max.),  witty  (you  know, the
>hackerish-type  humor),  clear  definitions  of  your favorite programming
>language,  that can be understood by people not knowing about the language
>itself  (i.e. they should be in  English, not in your favorite programming
>language).

How's this:

--------------------------------------
Date: 3/9/93 4:58 PM

Quote:
>From: Adam Rosen

LAYPERSON'S GUIDE TO PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES
------------------------------------------

C:  You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++:  You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
in the foot.  Providing emergency assistance in impossible since you can't tell
which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying,
"That's me, over there."

FORTRAN:  You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of bullets, you
continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula-2:  After realizing that you can't accomplish anything in this language,
you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL:  USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE, THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLDSTER.  CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP:  You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
the appendage which holds  ...

BASIC:  Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol.  On big systems, continue
until entire lower body in waterlogged.

FORTH:  Foot in yourself shoot.

APL:  You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
it in fewer characters.

Pascal:  The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL:  If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.  If you fail, shoot
yourself in the right foot.  Concurrent Euclid:  You shoot yourself in somebody
else's foot.

HyperTalk:  Put the first bullet of the gun into the left of leg of you.  Answer
the result.

Motif:  You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory,
the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun.  When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix:  % Is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o:
No such file or directory % is %

DOS:  You can't get to either foot from here.

Xbase:  Shooting yourself is no problem.  If you want to shoot yourself in the
foot, you'll have to use Clipper.

Paradox:  Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation:  You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you
figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic:  You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun
doing it that you don't care.

Prolog:  You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.  The program
figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

370 JCL:  You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining
how you want it to be shot.  Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
----

--Myron.
--
# Five boxes preserve our freedoms:  soap, ballot, jury, witness, and cartridge.
# Myron A. Calhoun, PhD EE; Assoc. Professor  (913) 539-4448 home




Tue, 06 Aug 1996 22:47:23 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language
...

Smalltalk : You send a message to the gun object, and wait for receiving
            the message which tells you how to construct the next
            bullet object.

CLOS : You open the Meta-Object-Protocol handbook to think of
         the appropriate metaobject defining the meta-class
        containing the class containing the type containing the
      structure containing the next bullet. The appropriate syntax
     to be used should be defined in CLtL26.

Xrn : You don't have the xrn handbook, randomly click some button,
      and get a random window to be dismissed.



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 23:42:00 GMT  
 Witty definition of your programming language


: ....
: >  I'm  looking  for  short  (two sentences  max.),  witty  (you  know, the
: >hackerish-type  humor),  clear  definitions  of  your favorite programming
: >language,  that can be understood by people not knowing about the language
: >itself  (i.e. they should be in  English, not in your favorite programming
: >language).

: How's this:

: --------------------------------------
: Date: 3/9/93 4:58 PM
: >From: Adam Rosen

: LAYPERSON'S GUIDE TO PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES
: ------------------------------------------

: C:  You shoot yourself in the foot.

: C++:  You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all
: in the foot.  Providing emergency assistance in impossible since you can't tell
: which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying,
: "That's me, over there."

: FORTRAN:  You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
: toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of bullets, you
: continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

: Modula-2:  After realizing that you can't accomplish anything in this language,
: you shoot yourself in the head.

: COBOL:  USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
: ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE, THEN return HANDGUN to
: HOLDSTER.  CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

: LISP:  You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
: shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
: yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in
: the appendage which holds  ...

: BASIC:  Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol.  On big systems, continue
: until entire lower body in waterlogged.

: FORTH:  Foot in yourself shoot.

: APL:  You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do
: it in fewer characters.

: Pascal:  The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

: SNOBOL:  If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.  If you fail, shoot
: yourself in the right foot.  Concurrent Euclid:  You shoot yourself in somebody
: else's foot.

: HyperTalk:  Put the first bullet of the gun into the left of leg of you.  Answer
: the result.

: Motif:  You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory,
: the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun.  When
: you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

: Unix:  % Is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o:
: No such file or directory % is %

: DOS:  You can't get to either foot from here.

: Xbase:  Shooting yourself is no problem.  If you want to shoot yourself in the
: foot, you'll have to use Clipper.

: Paradox:  Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

: Revelation:  You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you
: figure out what all these bullets are for.

: Visual Basic:  You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun
: doing it that you don't care.

: Prolog:  You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot.  The program
: figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.

: 370 JCL:  You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining
: how you want it to be shot.  Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
: ----

: --Myron.
: --
: # Five boxes preserve our freedoms:  soap, ballot, jury, witness, and cartridge.
: # Myron A. Calhoun, PhD EE; Assoc. Professor  (913) 539-4448 home


perl:    !($foot =~/left/)   # ! read as "Bang!"



Tue, 06 Aug 1996 23:46:07 GMT  
 
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